Saya nak mintak maaf, sampaikan salam maaf saya pada keluarga, suami, isteri, sebab kadang-kadang saya bagi instruction yang affect personal life staff. Kadang-kadang saya tak terfikir.
Saya tak nak tau macam mana awak nak buat, apa yang awak tengah buat, cuti ke raya ke ape ke. Saya nak, pagi 4 august, semua dah siap.
! ! !
I do, feeling guilty for abandoning my blog for the past few weeks.
I couldnt find time nor having enough courage to write anything.
I was asked, to write a memorial entry for my late brother.
I wanted to… but i couldnt.
I'm searching for the strength that I need. I couldnt have enough.
I try hard..to forget about the day..but i couldnt.
This is basically going around my head every day..almost every time…since 25th April 2014.
I'm trying my very best… to focus on the present….but the picture, the scenery of that day, keeps playing in front of me.
I see.. lot of people gathering on the road divider, waiting for cops to lift the plastic beg, to take pictures. Lots of big lorries, park at the side of the road.
How i see my other brother, crying heavily… trying to calm himself, and also our mother..his cries, his face, his voice. I remember everything.
How my father panicked, and couldn't accept the fact, that his youngest son, has gone. He couldnt even stand properly. The reaction on his face, how cold his hand was.
How shaking my eldest sister was. Her strength, keep me standing on my feet.
I was lost.
There he was, not moving, lying.. in the middle of the road. Full of blood.
I can still remember his position.
Eyes closed. His face, his hands, the blood on his face. I wished that it was just another bad dream.
But i'm not sleeping.
I wanted to hug him for the last time..i wanted to save him.
Take everything..take all money. Every blood in my body… if it can save him. Anything, even it will gave him only 1 more minute.
I've tried to picture the sweet memories of him.
But the damn brain keep on playing the same scene…its killing me inside. Everything is still so clear to me. Standing there helplessly, crying. Blaming myself for everything that happen.
I wanted to move on, and able to write something else. but i couldnt.
As at now, everything that goes inside my head…is him.
I'm sorry. So to my love one. Please bear with me.
Are you ok there ? I wanted you to know.
I'll do anything to help you here
Why are u always the lucky one among us ;)
I'm so jealous of you ..you being loved by Allah swt
more than we love you here.